Why I Hate Video Games Now

"Now" signifies a change in attitude -- though I would say that I'm clearly in denial. Whether I'm denying that I really like video games or denying that I don't like them is up to the parts of my mind that care. Right now, video games are a low priority, so the aforementioned parts of my mind look like an abandoned law office. A lonely, motionless ceiling fan does nothing to unsettle the layers of dust covering every surface of the hollow room. A desk with papers scattered carelessly by the wind still has various investigation tools lying atop it, left there by the last hopeless chap to delve into a subject deemed too frivolous for consideration.

Dramatic, yes, I know. My mind does that.

I'm sick of developers attempts at "story." So sick, in fact, I wish they'd just stop, give me a faceless pac-loid, and let me run around accomplishing some pointless task that makes me feel good for no particular reason. They just aren't very good at it, you see. Or maybe I hate stories -- that could also be it. You see, if I have to play or see another Manly McManalot in whatever power or unpowered armor running around, soaking, as it were, in his own douchebagginess like it was his sweat, I may just have to do exactly what I'm doing now. And do something horrible to Bungie, but that's beside the point (I can't get them all, so I won't even try). I'm just going to fade away into that female demographic that plays WoW with some male consort and perhaps a game from Japan every now and again. I'll be lucky if I get to the latter.

I blame Manny McMannington on this wholly misplaced idea that games are for wish-fulfillment, and everyone wishes to be a douche. If this were the case, I wonder why there are less baby-disemboweling and rape simulators, for, surely, those are the height of evil and the idea is that we secretly want to be evil. Regardless of what happens in Japan, I'd guess that these sorts of things wouldn't sell well. Even I'd go with Jack Thompson at that point, even if in the end it was completely unfair and a total violation of creative rights. See, some of us want to be douchebags because we don't realize that we either already are, or that we could be at any time, we just actually don't want to.

This brings us to "choices." Developers, you are not listening but for the sake of argument, I will address you. Stop. Giving. Me. Choices. The choices you give are made utterly meaningless by the fact that you have a system set up to measure my "good" choices and my "evil" choices. Don't pretend there's any ambiguity -- "paragon" and "renegade" translate, like good and evil, to "Pussy" and "Fuckbrain." By merely putting in a system of measurement, like it was more precious gold coins to collect and more completion rather than any sort of way to characterize yourself, you have destroyed the point of having choices. I don't pick "good" or "evil" because I want to; I pick "good" or "evil" because that equals points, and points equal more and/or different powers or dialog options or whatever gimmick is popular that week. And it's not like I can't tell which is which either -- you put them in the same goddamn order every single time and it is soooo obvious what is the "good" choice and the "evil" choice. Yeah, because YOU fucktards have it allll figured out, don't you? You know exactly what is right and wrong, because you made up the scenario, right? Ha! You and your concrete sense of right and wrong make me laugh! You know why? You're wrong. If not now, if not to Joe McJoepants, then later. So stop giving me choices, because they aren't choices. They are skill tree options with a "moral" tone.

I already mentioned that you, Disembodied Developer For-the-sake-of-argument Man (because you are highly likely to be a man), should stop trying to tell me stories. Here's why: you're bad at it. Or I hate stories. Either way, I want you to stop. See, you're stuck in a rut of XTREME! The world, universe, whatever must always be at stake, and for some reason I'm supposed to save it. Why should I bother when my character is Douchey McManpants? Or Miss Psychorella of the New Hampshire Crazy Bitches? You seriously are confused if you have both the theme of "everyone is a jackass" and "we should save everyone just because" in the same game. Perhaps you only underestimate the sense of nihilism that takes root in every human soul at some point. This, maybe, is why your main demographic is not 20-25 year olds. You see, we may be a poor lot, but we may also be a confused lot. Okay, just poor and I'm the only confused one. But my point is that the universe being at stake, really, truly, seriously, is not only old, but it is a rotting scarecrow at the center of existence. Oh no! The universe might not exist! Who fucking cares? If it stops existing, we're not going to be around to care about it, now are we? Or, the universe is going to be consumed by evil! Also not a big deal. See, if we all die and demons become the overlords of all existence, what's so bad about that? Demons are assholes and know it, and I can't say I think that something evil really can suffer as much as something that is good and evil. Oh no! The demons will kill each other for eternity! Or they'll enslave us! So? Oh no! We're enslaved by evil taskmasters! And? Seriously, and what? So we'll live short, miserable lives of pit slaves before we are sacrificed before the great spooky demon god-king? Okay. Tough luck.

See, the main problem with universe-at-stakery is that the universe is big and stuff, so we feel really special if we save it, but ultimately it is really big and stuff, so it can be a little hard to give a shit about that much stuff. So, really, knock it off.

Of course, anything smaller than the universe will inevitably have its own problems of I-don't-give-a-shitery. I don't care about your special little kingdom because everyone in it is a douche. I don't care about broken-utopia-land or humanity's survival because, again, everyone is a douche. It is easier to care about the goddamn Mushroom Kingdom because they aren't trying to send me any bullshit "message." I just get to romp around and stomp on goomba heads and no one is trying to tell me that humanity is worth saving. Get real. Humanity could very well be exactly NOT worth saving, and we'd still try to save it/ourselves.

Also, stop trying to immerse me by putting story on top of story. I don't care what people say about Assassin's Creed -- that was fucking retarded. Oh, you're an assassin in the Medieval Middle East! Oh no, actually you are the descendant of some fucktard and you're reliving his memories so the bad dystopian gubment can find his secret buried treasure! Y'know, I would've settled for "You're an assassin etc." "Oh but it's more immersive" makes me feel like you are actually convinced I am retarded. You don't have to give me an excuse for why I come back to life, have a quest log, and a map. That is sheer convenience (and those games that don't give you a map or quest log for that very reason are also bad -- if I get hopelessly lost I stop playing jerkface). Next you'll be telling me why there's a screen and a controller in my hand. You're actually a guy, playing a game, playing the memories of a guy who is playing a game, who is playing the memories of an actual guy who is a tremendous douche.

Finally, if I hear the word "innovation" one more time I will puke on the offender.

Of course, this is all me trying desperately to vent before the feelings turn me into a cold, humorless husk of a human being -- but I might already be there. In which case, this is a daily chore like taking a shower. See, I'm pretty much the gamer that no one in their right mind (and rightly so) is going to listen to. This may be because I'm in the wrong demographic both ways -- in that dead zone between "young" and "not-so-young," and I have a vagina. It may also be because I hate video games.

Yes, the games industry is just fine and quote meaningless numbers and make some claim about new art form. I'm probably just insane and, really, I should be used to that idea by now.